Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
