Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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