i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
