She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
