anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
