I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
