Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
