Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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