I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
