dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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