found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
