At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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