so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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