When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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