Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
