dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
