yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Even my vagina gasped.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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