My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
