we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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