im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You pole danced in your parka.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
