1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
