She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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