Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
