i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
