I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
