Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
