Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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