if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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