i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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