My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cockslap morals
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
