we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
jump out the window naked night went bad
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