Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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