My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
