he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
