So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
