Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
