this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
