We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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