i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
