And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
