Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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