My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
