pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
