We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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