What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
