A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
