I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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