You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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