Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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