So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
